This wave of confusion seems never-ending.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I just I could be like a regular person who leads a regular job, a regular family, who doesn't dream too big, doesn't care too much, and who doesn't complicate things with her overly analytical mind.

But everything happens for a reason, right? Born with that mind I better put it to some use one way or the other.


I'm probably being all romantic about my life again. But well, Xanga in itself is romantic.

I have always seemed so sure about everything in life: where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be with. Every life-changing decision comes with a risk, I'm well aware of it. Am I just scared, or am I too proud? Artist's ego?

Making too much art? Is there such a thing? :D

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So I realised, most of the blogs I'd posted on Xanga recently - by that I meant in the past year or so - were kind of negative. That is so not true about my life, however.

My life is constantly flooded with art, love, awesome music and films, super kind & inspiring people and most important of all, achievable dreams. I may be extremely broke and unemployed - my hard work has paid off and great opportunities just keep coming. I'm thinking of doing another degree maybe, who knows what would happen? But for now, I don't care what others may think. Working hard towards a dream is the best thing one could do with his/her life. Dream on baby.

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Hello Xanga! It's been a while... since I've devoted myself to blogging more specifically on nikki-lam.com rather than the endless emotional rambles I write about on this very site. I'm about to ramble again...

What's interesting is that, I realise, after all this post-uni period (almost 2 years now), I usually come back to Xanga when I'm kinda falling into the whole jobless cycle again. Sounds pretty messed up doesn't it? It's not what it seems. I have a career, which I devote myself into, I am absolutely passionate about and which, sets my mind free. For people who know me, I'm a positive person that is pro-active and cautious. I over-think circumstances sometimes, it's no big deal for me as I've been imagining things since I was a kid. I may foresee unpleasant circumstances but I wouldn't get too upset about it. This whole unemployed situation, however, gets on my nerves. Sometimes, I think, the reason why I cannot work as an art administrator is that my ability to organise is meant to be used at somewhere else. I love being an artist and I suppose I'm doing okay - except financially, as always.

I don't know. It feels right that I spend more time at home working on proposals and stuffs, it also feels weird. For the time I'm devoting myself into, it's an absolute full-time job. And yet I don't get paid for what I do, usually the other way round. And I'm so seriously broke right now. Getting another shit job would be an option, some may say. I'm so sick of it though. I believe one can only take a certain amount of shit jobs in his life, and I've done already too many of those.

Would a post-grad degree help? I asked myself. If being an art manager was what I wanted all along, why weren't there opportunities for me? I believe very much in destiny. Maybe it's not meant to be. All I know is that I was made to be someone who gets to the bottom of every question asked.

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